There was a time in my life where that phrase “you don’t look like what you’ve been through” would hit a nerve. Not because it was said in attempt to offend, but because of what it implied: that the evidence of my past pain should somehow still be visible in my face, my body, my demeanor.
That looking good and feeling good, somehow made my story less real. However, with time I realized something powerful: That phrase? It was never an insult. But a testament not only to myself but also to the journey I chose to walk.
The Bitterness We Don’t Talk About
Healing isn’t always a graceful journey. It’s messy and can get quite ugly. Because when you’ve truly been broken by life, by trauma, betrayal, heartbreak, and abuse—you learn quickly that healing doesn’t always come with applause. Especially when you choose to rise without bitterness.
We live in a culture draped in misery that profits and gains from our unhealed wounds. By showing up healed, unbothered and thriving, some people feel (out of their own insecurities) become extremely offended. As if becoming jaded and bitter is the only “real” response to pain. How dare we chose to do the work to ensure we become nothing like the people who tried to break us. The audacity!
From what I have experienced from my time here on earth, I believe bitterness is a choice. A choice not to do the inner work. A choice not to reflect in order to gain awareness and grow. A choice to remain in a state of ugliness and projection and people have the right to do and choose as they may.
But I choose differently. I made the decision not to wear my wounds like armor. I made the decision to reclaim my softness and my sense of happiness.
I chose to be better—not bitter.
Perception Is Key
Perception is the subjective lens to which a person's experiences are interpreted and a key component in the art of reframing.
According to a study published in Journal of Positive Psychology, people who report practicing positive reframing (the ability to reinterpret difficult experiences through a growth lens) are significantly more resilient and have better long-term emotional health than those who ruminate on past pain (Smith & Lazarus, 2021).
How you perceive and make meaning of your past is just as important as the events themselves. Just in case no one ever told you—you are allowed to glow. You are allowed to thrive. You don’t need to relive your pain as proof of your healing, and you don’t owe anyone visible scars to validate your strength. Your growth doesn’t have to come with an explanation. You are allowed to evolve, to soften, to expand, and still be powerful.
In fact, research published in Harvard Business Review confirms that emotional self-regulation and self-awareness (core signs of healing) are key predictors of strong leadership and long-term success (Goleman, 2023). Your softness isn’t a liability. It’s evidence of self-mastery.
A Note to the Woman Reading This
If you’ve ever felt judged for looking too good after what you’ve been through…
If you’ve ever dimmed your light so others wouldn’t feel uncomfortable with your evolution…
If you’ve ever second-guessed your own joy in a world that wants you to perform pain…
I want you to know this:
You are allowed to celebrate yourself.
You are allowed to look radiant.
You are allowed to leave the bitterness behind and still be believed.
Because healing doesn’t mean you erase your story. It means you’ve written a new chapter. And if you’re ready to write that next chapter with more clarity, confidence, and self-leadership—I’ve created something just for you.
Download my free guide: “Reclaim Your Power” a self-reflection workbook to help you reconnect with your truth, reset your mindset, and reclaim your power. Whether you're starting over or stepping into your next level, this is your roadmap to begin again beautifully.
[Click here to get your free copy]
And the next time someone tells you, “You don’t look like what you’ve been through,”
you get to smile and say:
“Exactly, that's the point. I chose to be better not bitter. And I’m just getting started.”
REFERENCES
Smith, C. M., & Lazarus, R. S. (2021). Positive reframing as a predictor of emotional resilience and reduced depressive symptoms. Journal of Positive Psychology.
Goleman, D. (1995).
Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ. New York, NY: Bantam Books.