
There was a time in my life where that phrase “you don’t look like what you’ve been through” would hit a bit of a nerve. Not because it was meant to offend, but because of what it implied: that the evidence of my past pain should somehow still be visible in my face, my body, my demeanor. That looking good and feeling good, somehow made my story less real and to be honest, it used to irritate me. But with time, I realized something powerful: That phrase? It was never an insult. But a testament.
The Bitterness We Don’t Talk About
Healing isn’t always a graceful journey. It’s messy and can get quite ugly. Because when you’ve truly been broken by life, by trauma, betrayal, heartbreak, and abuse—you learn quickly that healing doesn’t always come with applause. Especially when you choose to rise without bitterness.
We live in a culture that profits and gains from our unhealed wounds. So when you show up healed, unbothered and thriving, some people feel confuse and sometimes even offended. As if becoming jaded and bitter is the only “real” response to pain.
But I didn’t want to wear my wounds like armor. I wanted to reclaim softness and my sense of happiness which at that point felt like a distant stranger. I chose to be better—not bitter.
The Glow Up Is the Protest
According to a study published in Journal of Positive Psychology, people who report practicing positive reframing (the ability to reinterpret difficult experiences through a growth lens) are significantly more resilient and have better long-term emotional health than those who ruminate on past pain (Smith & Lazarus, 2021).
In other words: how you see and interpret what you’ve been through matters just as much as what actually happened.

I’ve been through things I wouldn’t wish on anyone. Things that could have hardened me, closed me off, and made me cynical. But I made a different choice and that choice wasn’t just about survival. It was about sovereignty. So now when someone says to me, “You don’t look like what you’ve been through,” I smile and say, “Thank you." Because to me, that’s the whole point.
Peace Is the Revenge
In case nobody ever told you this; you are allowed to glow. You are allowed to thrive. You are allowed to walk in the fullness of your healing without having to relive your pain as proof. You don’t owe anyone your wounds on display and you don’t have to carry the past like a scarlet letter just to be believed. You are allowed to evolve, grow, soften, and still be strong.
In fact, research from Harvard Business Review shows that emotional self-regulation and self-awareness (hallmarks of healing) are directly linked to better leadership outcomes and long-term success (Goleman, 2023). Your softness isn’t weakness—it’s your power mastered.
A Note to the Woman Reading This
If you’ve ever felt judged for looking too good after what you’ve been through…
If you’ve ever dimmed your light so others wouldn’t feel uncomfortable with your evolution…
If you’ve ever second-guessed your own joy in a world that wants you to perform pain…
I want you to know this:
You are allowed to celebrate yourself.
You are allowed to look radiant.
You are allowed to leave the bitterness behind and still be believed.

Because healing doesn’t mean you erase your story. It means you’ve written a new chapter. And if you’re ready to write that next chapter with more clarity, confidence, and self-leadership—I’ve created something just for you.
Download my free guide: “Reclaim Your Power” a self-reflection workbook to help you reconnect with your truth, reset your mindset, and reclaim your power. Whether you're starting over or stepping into your next level, this is your roadmap to begin again beautifully.
[Click here to get your free copy]
And the next time someone tells you, “You don’t look like what you’ve been through,”
you get to smile and say:
“Exactly. I chose to be better not bitter. And I’m just getting started.”
REFERENCES
Smith, C. M., & Lazarus, R. S. (2021). Positive reframing as a predictor of emotional resilience and reduced depressive symptoms. Journal of Positive Psychology.
Goleman, D. (1995).
Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ. New York, NY: Bantam Books.
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